One night I found myself reading an article that I wasn't sure if it was for real or a joke. It was about a dating site that cancelled members who became "fatties" after eating too much over the holidays. In disbelief that such a thing could really exist, I went to check it out. I certainly wasn't going to register and become a member, so the only way to look around was to click on the "Too ugly to sign up?…Click here to browse as a guest" link.
The only criteria for registration is how you lookUnfortunately, this site was no joke. The only criteria for registration is how you look. And you can't even join unless you are voted beautiful by members who look at your picture! They actually make it clear that they have a "strict ban on ugly people."
Meanwhile, this is a dating site! What kind of long-term relationship can be achieved by people willing to join and pay for a dating site where their only qualification is that they are physically attractive?
There is no doubt that physical attraction is important and vital in a healthy relationship. But as many of us know, attraction can grow or fade based on what is inside. A friend once told me that after her first date with her now-husband, he wasn't sure he wanted to date her further. He just couldn't stand how ugly her glasses were. Fortunately, someone pointed out to him that glasses can always be replaced and that he should give it another shot. Later, when he announced his engagement, that same friend asked what happened to her glasses, to which he replied, "What glasses?"
Traditionally, on Friday nights, men recite a poem from Proverbs, a Woman of Valor, (Eshet Chayil) in honor of their wives. One of its final verses reads: Sheker hachein v'hevel hayofee... "Grace is false and beauty is vain, but a woman who has awe for G‑d, she should be praised."
Attraction can grow or fade based on what is insideOn the most external level, we understand that more important than what is on the outside is what is on the inside. A pretty face with nothing behind it is worthless.
But there is more to it. Both the words for false, "sheker," and vain, "hevel," contain the letters within them to form quite different words. If what you are solely focusing on in a relationship is external grace, it will lead you to falsehood. If you care for the one who knows how to talk the talk but not walk the walk, the end result will be disappointing and empty. Whereas if you know how to refocus, how to re-read and put the emphasis in a different direction, those very same letters that make up the word sheker also form the word kesher, meaning "connection."
When we meet someone, we determine, based on the qualities we value and where we place our emphasis, whether we have a chance at a true bond, a real and meaningful connection, or if it will remain purely superficial and thereby false.
So too, for vanity, hevel, which is how the verse describes beauty. When one judges a book by its cover and never takes the time to even browse what is within, the whole basis of the relationship is in vain. Whereas again, with some refocusing and willingness to recognize and search for the most important qualities for a sustaining and lasting relationship, you might just be able to take the letters that form hevel and form the word halev, the heart. After all, more important than the face and youthful looks that will diminish with time, is the heart, which should only grow and expand.
Finding your soulmate is not an easy matter. Not for us, and not even for our Creator. The Talmud relates that it is harder for G‑d to make match a man and a woman than it is for Him to split the sea. For after all, bringing opposing and different characteristics together is always more difficult than breaking them apart. But think how much harder we make the job when we don't even let ourselves look for the right things or in the right places!
Bringing opposing and different characteristics together is more difficult than breaking them apartSo back to this website that I had the unfortunate experience of wasting three minutes of my life on... More specifically, to all those "fatties" that recently got kicked off because they no longer meet the site's requirements… Whether or not they realize it, this was a blessing, and not even one in disguise.
Maybe, just maybe, by being judged so harshly for their appearance, they will come to learn that looks really aren't everything. And maybe they will even start seeing themselves for who they really are and who they truly can be.
Funny enough, it could just be their misguided vanity and falsehood that will now lead them to a new focus, one which will be based on a true connection of the heart and mind, and not just a pretty face!
